SIDE ONE
Rona, Olive, Chip, Marcy, Schwarzy, Barfee, Coneybear, Panch
RONA
I’d like to take this moment to ask you to please turn off all cell phones and other distracting devices, and put away cameras—sorry, no photos at the bee. Now it seems there are a few spellers who haven’t checked in, so if I call your name please (come right over here and meet me at the desk. I’m missing –Mr. David Bowie, Mr. Bret Michaels, Miss Jennifer Hudson and Miss Jenna Jamison – and I need to speak with Miss Olive Ostrovsky.
OLIVE
I’m Olive
RONA
Miss Ostrovsky, it seems we haven’t received your entrance fee.
OLIVE
Entrance fee?
RONA
Did the school not tell you about the twenty-five dollar entrance fee? Is your mom here maybe? Or your dad?
OLIVE
My dad had to go into work. He’s gonna try to come later.
RONA
Who brought you to the bee dear?
OLIVE
The bus.
RONA
All right. We’ll talk about the entrance fee later. Take your seat.
CHIP
Hey, Marcy? Don’t be nervous. Just watch what I do
MARCY
Don’t worry, I’m not nervous
SCHWARZY (to Coneybear)
Have you ever been in a gymnasium that used to be a truss factory before?
CONEYBEAR (delighted at all that’s new to him today)
I’ve never been in a gymnasium before!
OLIVE (to Barfee)
What school do you go to?
BAFEEE
Shut up.
RONA
Ladies and Gentlemen, all the children you see on stage are here because of their extraordinary ability and love of language—but only one of them can go on to compete in the National Spelling Bee! And this year, to celebrate our silver anniversary, our local sponsors, the Putnam Optometrists, are offering today’s winner a two hundred dollar savings bond toward his or her future education.
(KIDS respond)
But remember, to get here each child had to win…
CONEYBEAR
Oh, but I—
RONA
…or place—in their own district bee—so each of them is already a winner.
BARFEE
Already a winner.
RONA
Hello, I’m Rona Lisa Peretti, and I’m pleased to be back for my 9th consecutive year as your host. Unfortunately, our usual word pronouncer, Superintendent Spriggs, has fallen ill, so please join me in welcoming back Vice Principal Douglas Panch from Lake Hemingway-Dos Passos Junior High. Vice Principal Panch is returning to us after a five-year hiatus – so thank you Douglas for stepping in on such short notice.
PANCH
Thank you Rona, and I would like to say as to the incident 5 years ago, I’m in a much better place now. It’s amazing what a change of diet can do for a man. Thank you.
RONA
Wonderful
PANCH (has always been smitten by Rona)
And may I add, Ms. Peretti here is not only one of Putnam County’s top realtors, she’s also a former spelling champion herself.
RONA
Third annual.
PANCH
“Syzygy.”
RONA
“Syzygy. When the earth aligns with the moon and the sun.”
PANCH
Beautiful. And now for the Pledge of Allegiance led by our comfort counselor, (checks writing on the palm of his hand) Mr. Mitchell M. Mahoney.
RONA
Mr. Mahoney is doing his community service work for us here today.
SIDE TWO
Panch, Rona, Marcy, Chip
PANCH
Miss Park, the word is PHYLACTERY
MARCY
Phylactery. Am I pronouncing that correctly?
PANCH
Yes
MARCY
Thank you. May I have the definition please?
PANCH
“Either of two small square leather boxes containing religious texts traditionally worn on the left arm and head by Jewish men during morning weekday prayers”
MARCY
Thank you. May I have a sentence please?
PANCH
“Billy, put down that phylactery – we’re Episcopalian.”
MARCY
Thank you. Phylactery. P-H-Y-L-A-C-T-E-R-Y. Phylactery.
PANCH
That is correct. Mr. Tolentino.
RONA
Slam dunk from Park.
CHIP (to Marcy as they cross)
Hey – you were at Nationals? Remember me?
MARCY
I only remember the top ten.
RONA
Charlito “Chip” Tolentino is a little league pitcher with a wicked 22-mile an hour screwball.
PANCH
OMPHALOSKEPSIS
CHIP
Wait a second, didn’t the guy with buck teeth just get “Mexican?”
PANCH
Yes, and you got: Omphaloskepsis.
CHIP
But are those rated at the same level of difficulty?
PANCH
They’re both level one words, yes.
CHIP
Omphaloskepsis.
PANCH
Yes.
CHIP
Can that also be pronounced “omPHAloskepsis?”
PANCH
It can. It would be wrong.
CHIP
Omphaloskepsis. O…M…P…H…A…L-O-S-K-E-P-S-I-S. Omphaloskepsis.
PANCH
That is correct.
RONA
He rallies and nails it. That’s what it means to be champion.
SIDE THREE
Panch, Rona, Olive, Coneybear, Barfee, Schwarzy, Chip
PANCH
Miss. Ostrovsky.
RONA (surprised to discover this information while reading)
Miss Ostrovsky’s mother is currently in India on a 9-month spiritual quest!
PANCH
FLAGELLATE
OLIVE
Flagellate – um – that’s a verb right?
PANCH
Yes
OLIVE
May I have a definition?
PANCH
I need you to speak clearly into the microphone.
OLIVE
Sorry.
RONA
Don’t be sorry, just turn and face us.
(OLIVE turns and steps towards the desk)
PANCH & RONA ad-lib..”no, don’t walk towards us,” “just pivot your head,” “now speak into the microphone, now – no)
OLIVE ends up twisted and confused).
RONA
You know, this girl needs to learn how to stand like a champion!
(as SHE approached OLIVE and corrects her)
Shoulders back. Chin up. Hair away from the face. Very good.
(RONA turns away and OLIVE’s posture collapses again)
It’s a hard age for girls.
CONEYBEAR
(CONEBEAR falls off his chair)
I fell.
(CONEYBEAR puts his helmet on)
RONA
And boys. With this difference: Ask a child in a spelling bee if they expect to win, and boys and girls are trained to respond differently. The correct response for boys is:
BARFEE
I’m taking it all. You’re all going down!
RONA
While the correct response for girls is:
SCHWARZY
Honestly, I think there’s a good chance I would do okay, but it’s unlikely I’d win the whole thing, I’m a good speller, but I’m not a truly great speller, and though I have trained hard there’s so much luck involved.
RONA
Though in my experience the girls are sometimes thinking:
SCHWARZY
I’m taking it all. You’re all going down, suckas!
RONA
While the boys are sometimes thinking:
BARFEE
I really don’t know – am I good enough, or not?
OLIVE (straight out to the audience)
I’m thinking about does flagellate have one ell or two – and also how if you take the “w” of answer and the “h” in ghost and the extra “a” in aardvark and the “t” in listen, you could keep saying “what” but nobody would hear, cause the whole word would be silent.
RONA
You still need to speak up Miss Ostrovsky.
OLIVE
FLAGELLATE. F-L-A-G-E-L…L-A-T-E. Flagellate
PANCH
Very good on the volume. And correct.
CHIP (to Coneybear, over spellers between them – whispered)
Leaf – that girl in the second row in the fuzzy sweater? Is that your sister?
CONEYBEAR
Yeah, that’s Marigold.
PANCH
Mr. Barfee
Barfee
It’s Barfay
RONA
Mr. Barfee made it to the finals last year but had to be eliminated for health related reasons.
BARFEE (Isolated in a memory - Wheezing)
Were there peanuts in the brownies? Cause they said there would be no peanuts in the brownies! (Back to present)
RONA
I’m glad to see him back and spelling so well.
PANCH
HASSENPFEFFER
BARFEE
Yes of course, hasenpfeffer. A highly seasoned rabbit stew often served with sour cream?
PANCH
Rabbit stew, that’s correct.
BARFEE
My old friend. One moment please.
RONA
He’s going for the foot.
SIDE FOUR
Barfee, Chip, Olive, Rona, Marcy, Coneybear, Schwarzy
CHIP
You know something, Barf? I may have lost, but you are the biggest loser here.
(walks away)
BARFEE
Oh yeah? Well that is a common misperception.
OLIVE
Sorry about that – William, right? I’m Olive.
BARFEE
I know your name. Look, I do not need pity from a person named after a vegetable.
OLIVE
It’s a fruit.
BARFEE
Well it’s a disgusting fruit, and I can’t keep them down.
OLIVE (this really is hurtful enough that she’ll give up and walk away)
Oh.
BARFEE
I guess it’s okay for a name though.
OLIVE
Do you know that if you switch the first tow vowels in “Olive” it become “I Love?”
BARFEE (thinks about it)
Did you know that if you switch the first two vowels in “William” it becomes “William?”
OLIVE
Yeah…but you can switch the next two—then its’ “will aim.”
BARFEE
Are these really the kind of things you think about?
OLIVE
Um. Yeah?
BARFEE
Okay. I’m more of a science guy myself.
OLIVE
Well, you’re also a really great speller.
BARFEE
Yeah? Thanks.
(OLIVE goes to join the others. After they have parted…)
“Olive” “I love.” That’s so retarded.
(adults re-enter)
RONA
Ladies and gentlemen—our final spellers. Let’s give them a hand. We have, home-schooled from the Basin, Leaf Coneybear.
CONEYBEAR
Mom! I’m in the finals!
RONA
From Our Lady of Intermittent Sorrows, Miss Marcy Park.
MARCY (still nursing hurt of previous comment)
I’m not all business.
RONA
From Cold Spring Country Day, Mr. William Barfee
(BARFEE throws up his arms in helpless gesture at the mispronunciation of his name)
RONA
From Garrison Elementary, Miss Olive Ostrovsky.
OLIVE
Miss Peretti, my dad…
RONA
And from the Magna Magnet Grammar School, Miss Logainne Schwartzandgrubenierre.
SCHWARZY
I’d like to take one moment to thank my two fathers, Daniel Schwartz and Carl Grubenierre who’ve been so supportive of me and all my endeavors.
MARCY
Camouflage.
(to herself)
Dear Jesus, can’t you come up with a harder word than that?
JESUS (from offstage)
Of course I can, my child.
ALL
AAAAAHHHHHHH!
(JESUS appears, played by actor playing Chip)
(MARCY is astounded to see him)
MARCY
Jesus?
JESUS
Marcy?
MARCY
Hi!
JESUS
Hi.
MARCY
How are you?
JESUS
I’m good. Is that your prayer, Marcy, for a more difficult word?
MARCY
Well yeah it was, but now that you’re here can I ask for something better?
JESUS
I’m here for you now March. C’est pour toi que je suis ici.
MARCY (convinced, she decides to take this seriously and ask for something she really would like to know)
Jesus…I was wondering what would happen if I didn’t win today.
JESUS
What do you think would happen?
MARCY
I don’t now, but what I mean is, would you be disappointed with me if I lost?
JESUS
Of course not—but Marcy? I also won’t be disappointed with you if you win.
(BEAT as she looks confused)
MARCY
You’re saying it’s up to me then?
JESUS
Yes, and also, this isn’t the kind of thing I care very much about.
ALL
AAAAAHHHHHHHH!
MARCY
CAMOUFLAGE. C-A-M…O-U
(still deciding)
F-L…A…J
(and as soon as she dares miss the first letter, she takes more and more joy in getting it wrong)…
Z!!...H!! Camaflajsh!
(Ding)
SIDE SIX
Panch, Barfee, Schwarzy, Rona
PANCH
Mr. Barfee
(Barfee shrugs)
CREPUSCULE
BARFEE
I’m sorry, crep…?
PANCH
Crepuscule.
BARFEE
Crepuscule. One moment please.
SCHWARZY
(tries to get BARFEE’s attention to warn him about sticky spot on floor.
William. William.
(RONA and PANCH shush SCHWARZY)
BARFEE
(with the magic foot)
C. R. E. P. Crep. U.S.
(he slips on the sabotage substance)
Ew. There’s something sticky. I’ll take it from after the crep.
(he tries again)
U.S.
(he’s stuck again)
PANCH
We need a spelling now.
BARFEE
Can I wash off my foot first?
RONA
Now, William.
BARFEE
(reluctantly)
May I have a definition?
PANCH
It means “twilight).
BARFEE
Can you use it in a sentence?
RONA
(answers without thinking before Panch can get his sentence in; basically it’s the story of her own life.)
“She thought she was walking into the dawn, but it turned out—it was the crepuscule.”
BARFEE
Ew. C.R.E.P…U?
(spells rest of work quickly thinking he’s missed on the “u”)
S-C-U-L-E. Crepuscule.
PANCH
That is correct.
Miss Schwarzandgrubenierre.
BARFEE
(to women he’s previously selected in the audience)
Mom! I did it without the foot!
SCHWARZY
(cleans up coke)
I’d just like to say, Carl Dad—I can do this on my own.
PANCH
VUG.
SCHARTZY
Vug? That’s the whole word? Vug?
PANCH
Vug.
SCHWARZY
(as she writes on her arm)
Language of origin?
PANCH
Cornish dialect, a Latin derivative.
SCHWARZY
Cornish. That’s like English with Dutch influence.
(continues writing on her arm)
VUG. V-U-G-G-H-E. Vugghe.
(Ding)
PANCH
I’m sorry, the correct answer is V-U-G, Vug.
SCHWARZY
So simple?
PANCH
So simple.
SIDE SEVEN
Coneybear (Carl Dad), Mitch (Dan Dad), Schwarzy, Panch, Rona
PANCH
Miss. Schwartzandgrubenierre.
(Schwarzy crosses to mic.)
RONA
Miss Schwartzandgrubenierre has proposed a constitutional amendment lowering the voting age to ten.
PANCH
CYSTITIS
SCHWARZY
Thithtitith? May I pleath have the definition of that word?
PANCH
“An inflammation of the urinary bladder.”
SCHWARZY
And use in a sentence please?
PANCH
“Sally’s mother told her it was her CYSTITIS that made her special.”
SCHWARZY
Cystitis. I think I studied this one with my dads.
(CARL DAD is drilling Schwarzy—CARL is played by Coneybear. DAN is played by Mitch.
It’s a very fast drill—he keeps them coming and she spells extremely quickly.)
CARL DAD
Segue
SCHWARZY
S-E-G-U-E
CARL DAD
Good. Siphon
SCHWARZY
S-I-P-H-O-N
CARL DAD
Good. Cystitis
SCHWARZY
S-
CARL DAD
No. Think.
SCHWARZY
C-
CARL DAD
Good.
SCHWARZY
I-
CARL DAD
No! Logainne—are you concentrating?
SCHWARZY
Yes—
DAN DAD
Maybe it’s time for a break?
CARL DAD
Dan, we’re in the middle of word here.
DAN DAD
You know she doesn’t spell well when her blood sugar is low, Carl.
CARL DAD
We gotta build up her stamina—The bee could last three hours.
DAN DAD
Don’t you talk to me about stamina, Carl!
CARL DAD
Daddy conference. Now
SCHWARZY
No, dad, let me get this one first, please!
PANCH
We need a spelling, please, Logainne.
SCHWARZY
(struggling through her sad memory)
CYSTITIS. C-Y-S-T-I-T-I-S. Cystitis.
PANCH
That is correct.
Mr. Coneybear.
RONA
Mr. Coneybear makes his own clothes.
(LEAF is very proud that this has been announced. This whole experience is just terribly amusing to him.)
PANCH
ACOUCHI
CONEYBEAR
A-what?
PANCH
Listen to the whole word please. Acouchi.
CONEYBEAR
At a spelling bee!?? What’s it mean?
PANCH
“A South American rodent of the genus Myoprocta, resembling an agouti.”
COUNEYBEAR
It’s funny how I keep getting South American rodents.
PANCH
Hilarious
CONEYBEAR
Look, honestly? I’ve never heard this word before—and I have no idea how to spell it.
PANCH
Would you like to forfeit your turn?
(CONEYBEAR thinks about it, music starts)
RONA
Why don’t you just give it your best shot, Mr. Coneybear?
MITCH
You can’t comfort these damn kids. They don’t yet know that the good don’t always win, so there’s nothing you can say to cheer them up when they lose.
I want to tell them disappointment doesn’t last—but from what I’ve seen, disappointment lasts like hell.
I want to tell them words don’t matter; but from what I’ve seen, words can get you killed.
I just want to beat them up a little, so they understand that pain has degrees, and this is nothing—this is nothing, you little freaks.
But that would violate my parole. So I do what I can. I give them a hug and a juice box. I’m here to give comfort.
