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SIDE ONE
HINES, PRES, JOE, GLADYS, MABEL
HINES
This is a very serious drama. It’s kind of a problem play. It’s about Capital and Labor. I wouldn’t bother to make such a point of all this except later on if you happen see a lot of naked women being chased through the woods, I don’t want you to get the wrong impression. This play is full of symbolism.
I work in the Sleep Tite Pajama Factory in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. I’m an Executive. I’m a Time Study Man. I can tell you per second exactly how many stitches go into a pair of pajamas. I can…time anything. You’ll see when we get down to the factory. All right. Let her go!
All right, girls. Hurry up! I’ve got my stop watch on you. Now watch for the symbolism. Look out, here comes the President of the Union. Boy, he’s sharp. He knows what’s going on around here.
PRES
Hey, I lost my lunch bucket. Anybody see my lunch bucket?
HINES
I told you he was sharp. He’s relaxing, but there’s another side to his character.
JOE
How about it, Prez?
PRES
If we don’t get a seven and a half cent raise by the first of the month, we strike!
JOE
You said it!
HINES
See how ideas keep creeping through? That takes the sting off the sexy parts. Oh, look out. Here comes my boss, Mr. Hasler. There’s capital for you. Capital with a capital C. He’s a great economist.
HASLER
Waste, waste, waste! Turn off those damn lights! Do you think J.P. Morgan got rich leaving lights burning all over Wall Street? Where’s my secretary? Gladys!
GLADYS
Yes Mr. Hasler?
HASLER
Where’s the new superintendent?
GLADYS
We can’t find him. Here’s Mabel…she’ll know.
HASLER
Where’s Sorokin?
MABEL
He’s around the plant somewhere Mr. Hasler. First there was a leak in the water tower…then he went down to the boiler room.
HASLER
Well go find him!
MABEL
Yes, Mr. Hasler.
HASLER
Gladys, take a letter. Board of Directors: Employees demand for seven and a half cents raise absolutely unnecessary. Hines!
SIDE TWO
SID, CHARLIE, FIRST HELPER, SECOND HELPER, MABEL
SID
We can fix this while they’re at lunch. No, no, it’s number 9.
CHARLEY
Here you are. (HANDING SID PLIERS)
SID
Thanks.
FIRST HELPER
This new super won’t last. A Chicago guy.
SECOND HELPER
He don’t belong in this town.
FIRST HELPER
The whole second floor was broke down and they couldn’t find him…he was fixing a boiler…and then he yells at me. I don’t stand for that. There’s plenty of other places I can work. I don’t have to take that crap off nobody
.
SID
Give me a screw driver.
FIRST HELPER
(SLOWLY GETS TOOL)
You know what they’re paying at the packing plant? Ninety-three up. That ain’t hay neither.
SID
Screw driver!
MABEL
Oh, Mr. Sorokin.
SID
Yes Mabel?
MABEL
Mr. Hasler’s gone to the shipping room. He wants you right away.
SID
I’ve got to finish this. I can’t…
MABEL
Yes, I know…Mr. Hasler’s kind of difficult sometimes. You’re the third superintendent we’ve had this year.
SID
I’m the last one you’ll have this year, Mabel, cause I want this job.
FIRST HELPER
TO SECOND HELPER – SOTO VOICE
Oh, you don’t say.
MABEL
Now you’re talking boy.
SID
TO HELPER
Bring me a switch.
MABEL
I’ll tell him you’re awful busy.
SID
Thanks
FIRST HELPER
TO SECOND HELPER
And let me tell you something else. They’re paying eighty-four up at the casket company.
SID
My gosh, you’d be a sensation up at the casket company. Maybe you could get a job as a tester and just lie around in coffins all day long. Now hurry it up!
FIRST HELPER
I am hurrying.
SID
Well hurry faster. (SID PUSHES HIM)
FIRST HELPER
Hey, you can’t do that to me.
SID
The hell I can’t. I just did. (FINDS THE SCREWDRIVER)
FIRST HELPER
Well, I’ll f ix you. I’m getting the Grievance Committee.
SID
Go get them. I’ll give you something to do.
FIRST HELPER
I don’t have to take that crap off nobody.
SID
Go away…boy…you bother me.
FIRST HELPER
I’ll show you…(HOLDING HIS RIGHT ARM)…on my weak arm, too.
SIDE THREE
SID, MABEL, BABE
SID
Have a seat.
BABE
Thank you.
SID
I wanted to talk to you about that assault and battery case.
BABE
Well, we thought we would just forget about that, Mr. Sorokin.
SID
Yes?
BABE
Yeah. We all knew that injured arm was a lot of nonsense. To tell you the truth we’ve had trouble with him before.
SID
I can believe that. If you only knew what I had to go through to get him to kick across with a screw-driver. I’d have been justified if I had socked him.
BABE
Well, we won’t go into that. But anyhow we have it down in our books as a slight nudge. (STANDS UP)
SID
(ALSO STANDS UP) Personally I think a little physical punishment is good for the people once in a while.
BABE
Oh, do you? Captain Bligh?
SID
No, not exactly. Sit down for a second will you, Miss Williams? I want to talk to you. (THEY BOTH SIT) How about a date
BABE
What?
SID
How about going out to dinner some night?
BABE
Well, I don’t know.
SID
Maybe check up on some of the local hot spots?
BABE
Thanks. But I don’t think so.
SID
What is this strange power I have over women?
BABE
It really wouldn’t work, not at all.
SID
Looks like I struck out that time.
BABE
It’s nothing personal. But you see, you’re the Superintendent and I’m the Grievance Committee.
SIDE FOUR
POP, SID, BABE
POP
When you first come here after that picnic last week, she says to me…don’t be a pest…don’t talk too damned much. (HE LAUGHS) But it might be worse if I didn’t talk at all, huh, Sid?
SID
You’re right.
POP
I always say a railroad man can’t be too much of a damned pest—cause he ain’t home enough.
SID
(LAUGHS POLITELY) You go out on your run tonight don’t you?
POP
Yes…off to Milwaukee doggone it! (TAKING PETRIFIED BAT OUT OF HIS POCKET) Say, here’s something you don’t see every day.
SID
I agree. What is it?
POP
A petrified bat.
BABE
Now, Pop, Sid is not interested in petrified bats.
POP
Well what the hell dear…I didn’t say he was.
BABE
I know you.
POP
The tyranny of women.
BABE
Too bad.
POP
Well, I’d better get my things. Old number fifteen waits for no man. (POP EXITS)
BABE
Pop belt your ears off?
SID
He’s a great guy…I like him. But I like you better. (GOES TO KISS HER)
BABE
No, no, no. Wait till Pop goes out. Are you hungry?
SID
Not exactly hungry. Not the way you mean anyway. (KISSES HER NECK)
BABE
Oh you. (HE TRIES TO KISS HER AGAIN, SHE PUSHES HIM AWAY) Here, have a beer.
SID
Thanks
POP
(ENTERING WITH STAMP ALBUM) Say, Sid, you like stamps?
BABE
Pop!
POP
Well, even if he don’t, this is something that should be interesting to anybody. Two sets of Mint Columbians. Plate blocks on every issue since 1919.
SID
Well…thanks.
POP
(KISSES BABE) Goodbye, Katie.
BABE
Goodbye
POP
Come around any time, Sid. (POP EXITS)
SID
I’d like to. Well now, we can settle down for a nice long evening with the stamp album. Say, he has got a full set of Mint Columbians.
BABE
Sure he has. That’s why I work at Sleep Tite.
SID
He’s a nice guy, Babe.
BABE
You’re a good boy, Sid. He likes you too.
SID
I feel good, Babe. I feel like home.
BABE
I wonder if we’ve got any onions.
SID
Onions?
BABE
I’m gonna make a Western. Want one?
SID
That’s my baby, boys. She wants a Western. No honey, I do not want a Western. Food is not uppermost in my thoughts at the moment.
BABE
Guess you’ll want some coffee too?
SID
No…it’ll keep me awake. Now cut it out.
SIDE FIVE
PREZ, MAE, BABE, BRENDA
PREZ
Listen, Mae, pay attention to the meeting and quit quzzling all this free beer.
MAE
I ain’t guzzling. I’m just being sociable.
PREZ
Well, this ain’t no sociable, this is an official meeting.
BABE
Mae’s got to keep her strength up.
PREZ
We can’t just sit around here and do nothing, we got to make plans. Hasler ain’t going to give in easy.
BRENDA
We got the slow-down…
PREZ
I mean other things, more like for instance, like why, a suggestion here from Jake Fondermeyer. He says when he was working at the Ironclad Overall Company and they was having trouble, why, they spit tobacco juice in the back hip pockets of the overalls.
MAE
I draw the line at chewing tobacco.
PREZ
I wasn’t suggesting that.
BRENDA
How about if packing put the size large bottoms with the size small tops, and like that?
JOE
Sure
.
PREZ
Now that’s what I mean. That’s constructive. That’s clear thinking.
BABE(ANSWERS PHONE)
Hello? Oh sure. Sure I recognize your voice.
MAE
But that wouldn’t take effect soon enough.
BRENDA
Well, I suppose not
.
BABE(In Phone)
Yes, I am.
PREZ
Let’s be practical.
MAE
Oh, I’m going to break down and have another beer.
BABE(In Phone)
No, I can’t talk now. I’ve been away three days.
MAE
We got to put the screws on them right now, not later.
BABE(In Phone)
Look, I have several people here. It wouldn’t do any good, anyhow. So goodbye, I’m sorry.
PREZ
Babe, they’ve been saying…look, I don’t want to get Babe into trouble, but...
BABE
Go ahead. What trouble can you get me into? I’m fired already.
MAE
Well the union ought to do something about that too.
PREZ
If she hadn’t stood right up and said she did it, we could have. But if somebody up and admits they been bustin’ up the company property. Listen, there’s a confidence just inside the committee. Some of the buttons ain’t been sewed on too good. Wait until the salesmen come screaming back to Hasler.
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