Side 1 - Tamara, Margo, Hope, Duncan, and Mary Beth
Tamara: (Rubs HER hands together.) So! Let’s get started.
Margo: Well, first I want everyone to know that I’m not here with any preconceived notions. I want to hear from each of you with any ideas you might have. And that I’m not here to change anything. I know that many times in a group of this sort… (SHE notices everyone is staring at her.) What?
Tamara: (patiently.) We haven’t opened the meeting yet.
Hope: Not going to change anything, she says, and starts right in mouthing off. God knows what kind of bad habits she has!
Tamara: (Indicates MARGO to sit.) Don’t worry. You’ll get the hang of everything and fit right in. After all, we’re not going to bite. (DONCAN jumps up and shows his arm to TAMARA. She turns to HOPE.) Hope?!
Duncan: Least her teeth didn’t come out this time.
Hope: (Jumps up) I want you to know these are MY teeth!
Duncan: (Right in HER face.) Paid good money for them, did you?
Tamara: Will you two STOP? (SHE slaps the table with her open hand and then waves it in pain.) I wish I had a gavel, they promised me a gavel. (Duncan and Hope sit and turn away from each other.) Now, I call this meeting to order.
Margo: (Rises.) Now, again I want to emphasize that I know I’m new here but I want all of you to know..
Tamara: (gently.) Not yet. (She gently indicates Margo to sit. Margo sits, sheepishly.) You’re doing fine, just fine. Fit right in.
Duncan: From New York, huh? The Big Apple.
Margo: Well, yes and no.
Duncan: huh?
Margo: I’m from New York but not New York, New York. I’m from Buffalo.
Duncan: Not the Big Apple?
Margo: No.
Duncan: So what’s Buffalo? The Big Pomegranate?
Tamara: we’ve all seen her resume. May we now have a reading of the minutes of the last meeting? (No one moves. Tamara reaches over and gently taps Mary Beth’s head.)
Mary Beth: Oh! (She rises at Tamara sits.) Sorry. (She shuffles through her notes.) Let’s see. (Reads.) “The Peaceful Glen Memorial Players met on April first at seven o’clock. The meeting got underway at precisely eight forty-five.”
Duncan: (to Margo.) My septic tank exploded.
Hope: She doesn’t have to hear EVERYthing, you know!
Mary Beth: “Old business, included at the time, involved the purchase of a First Aid kit, moneys raised to purchase said First Aid kit and investigation into exactly what happened to the moneys raised to purchase said First Aid kit.”
Margo: So we have a First Aid kit?
Tamara: No.
Mary Beth: “new business included, at the time, the hiring of a New York director, Magro Dutton.
Margo: That’s Margo Daley.
Mary Beth: (whining) I don’t want to have to retype this thing!
Margo: Call me Magro.
Mary Beth: “meeting adjourned after somebody smelled smoke.” (She closes her notes and sits.)
Side 2- Lamar, Zoey, Sarge, Opal, Theodora, and Budgie
Lamar: Oh, excuse me. Uhm.. (Clears his throat.) … my name is Lamar Bentorres and I’m auditioning for any part that you think I can handle. I haven’t had any theatre experience as far as actually being ON a stage. However, I once watched them tape a “Seinfeld.” I don’t have anything prepared so I’ll just read a part here. (He opens the book and reads haltingly, using overstated gestures.) “My Lard, I do not know but truly do I fear it. He took me by the wrist.. (Shoots out his right arm as if it were suddenly yanked.) …and held me hard. Then goes he the length of all his arm. And with the other hand…” (Shoots out his other arm, flinging the script the script off stage.) Uhm…. Wait. (He rushes out of the light, retrieves his script and returns.) Just a second. (He reads down to himself.) MylordIdonotknow… andheldmehard… ah! (He looks out suddenly and proudly.) “He falls to such perusal of my face. (runs his right hand over his face.) As he would draw it. Long stayed he so. At last, a little shaking of mine arm and thrice… (He broadly shakes his right arm, holding the script in his left hand.) … his head waving up and down so that he can read it..) …he raised a sigh so piteous and profound that it did seem to shatter all his bulk. And end his being.” (he holds his head as if dizzy.) Well, I hope you get the idea of what I can do. Oh, the part I was reading was that of… (He squints to read the name.) … Ophelia. Thank you.
(Black out)
Zoey: I’m Zoey Marcuse and I can’t be here on Tuesday or Thursday nights, Saturday afternoons or Sunday evenings. I can’t sex and have problems with my back so I can’t build anything either. I’m nearsighted so it wouldn’t be a good idea to have anyone throw anything to me during the play. I get motion sickness and have a fear of heights. And certain fabrics make me itch. I don’t play men’s parts because my shrink says I had a problem with my father. I have to wear special shoes and I don’t work with any kinds of animals, dog, cat, parakeet, guppy, don’t get them near me. I don’t like them, they don’t like me, enough said. Other than that, I’m wide open.
(Blackout)
Sarge: “I am they father’s spirit, doomed for a certain term to walk the night. And, for the day, confined to waste in fires till the foul crimes done in my days of nature art burnt and purged away. But that I am to tell the secrets of my prison house, I could take unfold whose lightest word would harrow up thy soul, freeze thy young blood, make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres.” (he looks out.) Oh, I’m just reading this thing, I ain’t auditioning.
(Blackout)
Opal: I’m auditioning for this show because I heard there’s a lot of battles in this thing. Is there a lot of swordplay? ‘Cause that’s what I’m after. I got a LOT of pent-up tension and I could really use an outlet. Just give me a part and any kind of weapon, battle ax, saber, mace, I’m wide open. I mean it now. You want realism, I can give it to you. Just give me a chance. I drive a bus at the high school.
(Blackout)
Theodora: (haughtily.) I am Theodora Van Horne. I’m sure you’ve heard of me. I’ve done Shakespeare since I was a small child. Shakespeare, O’Neill, Jackie Collins, I’ve done all the classics. Well, I’m sure they’ve already told you about my skills onstage. And in each production I have received rave reviews for my performances, whenever a critic came out to review our shows, that is, and whenever it was a good critic and he sat through the entire performance and didn’t either fall asleep or be held later for questioning by the authorities. Oh, and in regards to last year’s rap musical production of “butch Minds the baby” … I did NOT bring in that goat. Just wanted to pop in and say I have an opening in my schedule. Kiss, Kiss. (She winks)
(Blackout)
Budgie: Who ordered the Deluxe, half mushroom, half anchovy?
Margo: That … is the Fine Arts Council.
Hal: They seem like nice people. (Margo slowly turns and looks at him mournfully. Hal looks at her frowning expression.) Uh HUH! They’re NOT nice people?
Margo: Oh, Hal! (She sits in her chair and looks out.) I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Hal: Now, you’ve said that before SO many times. What’s so bad about THIS bunch?
Margo You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
Hal: Try me. (He sits near her.) Go on, tell the doctor where it hurts. (He takes her hand.)
Margo: Where do I begin? (An inspiration.) You remember The Texas Chain saw massacre?
Hal: Yeah.
Margo: (Staring out again.) I think I know why he did it.
Hal: Hon, it’s community theater, What did you expect?
Margo: A community. Or a theater!
Hal: Oh, I know. They figure they’re the world’s greatest little theater group or the world’s most talented little theater group.
Margo: they’re the world’s most dangerous little theater group.
(Sarge enters USL sweeping. He is unnoticed by the other two.)
Hal: You just need to get to know them better, that’s all.
Margo: get to know …?! Let me tell you about these people. Talk about confederacy of dunces! (Sarge stops sweeping and looks over at them.) These people are loony tunes.
Hal: How do you mean?
Margo: Well, first there’s a guy named Sarge. Thinks he knows everything and hates everybody. (Sarge thinks and nods agreeably.) Nobody will admit it but he runs the place. And the others!
Hal: (Rises and crouches near Margo.) What about the others?
Margo: The Fine Arts Council. What a dysfunctional group THIS is.
(Sarge looks SR and waves people on. Tamara, hope and Duncan enter quietly. Sarge points to Margo. They turn and listen.)
Hal: For instance?
Margo: where do I begin? Take Tamara, the President? She hasn’t a clue what she’s doing. Tries to run everything but doesn’t know how and doesn’t even KNOW she doesn’t know how. (Duncan and Hope Laugh quietly and look at Tamara, whose expression has soured.) And then there’s Hope. (Tamara and Duncan turn to Hope, who holds out her hands indicating that nobody speaks.) Talk about somebody who was mis-named! I bet her middle name is Les. Gripes about everything and has never had an unexpressed thought. I bet she sleeps in a coffin. (Duncan laughs and points and Hope.) And then there’s Duncan. (Duncan’s expression changes suddenly to a scowl.) All he does is tell these long, pointless stories … which usually end up with somebody either being dismembered or arrested! And last AND least, there’s Mary Beth, the secretary for the group. (The other Council Members look around. Then in one swift move, Hope reaches behind her and pulls Mary Beth on stage.) Mary Beth is so pitiful. (Mary Beth looks and Margo and her eyes widen.) What a mouse, no personality, no incentive, she just sits there like a lump. (By this time the Council is just about to Kill Margo.)
(Hal changes positions and crouches in front of Margo.)
Hal: Everybody has personality flaws, Hon, you can’t … (he leans over and stares past Margo, obviously now seeing the Council. He leans back.) You uh … you can just IMAGINE what would happen if these people HEARD what you were saying about Huh? If they HEARD what you were saying?
Margo: Oh listen I wouldn’t dare … (She gets the hint. Her eyes widen. She starts to turn but quickly looks back at Hall and changes her tone.) Oh, I wouldn’t DARE mention that these are just SOME of the stories I’ve heard spread around town about these wonderful people I’m working with.
(This satisfies the council and they are break out in smiles, not to each other and silently exit SR.)
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