NARRATOR, DOG, BUTCHER, POND
NARRATOR. SCAB! There! I said it! His name is SCAB! So, everytime I pull my nose, everybody in the audience say, Scab. Ok? So, once upon a time, there was this dog named (Narrator pulls on his nose and audience says, Scab.) One day while he was out terrorizing the nice animals of the neighborhood, (Dog jumps at the audience) he passed by a butcher’s shop, which was run by a very kind and gentle butcher.
BUTCHER. (Enters scowling.) I’m a butcher!
NARRATOR. (Laughing nervously.) Anyway, when (Pulls nose.) passed by the butcher’s shop, he spied a beautiful, juicy bone sitting on the counter top. And what do you think he did? You guessed it! (Pulls nose.) ran into the butcher shop and stole the bone! Well, the, um, kind and gentle butcher tried to reason with the Dog.
BUTCHER. (Waving a large knife.) You, Dog! I cut you up into little pieces!
DOG. Only if you catch me! (Butcher chases Dog offstage.)
NARRATOR. So, um, the Butcher tried very hard to have a sincere and calm conversation with the Dog. (Butcher and Dog run across the stage.) But, um, it seems that both had a strong inability to communicate their feelings in a constructive way. (Butcher enters screaming, while the Butcher slows down and stops center out of breath.) Finally, the Dog got so far ahead that the Butcher, who had high blood pressure from all those sausages and what not, knew that the bone was lost forever. But the kind and gentle Butcher accepted defeat with grace and dignity.
GIRL. (Skips to Butcher and gently tugs his apron.) La, la, la. Mister, can I have a pound of chopped liver? (Butcher growls at Girl, waves his knife menacingly, and chases the screaming Girl offstage.)
NARRATOR. Well, (Pulls nose.) ran and ran until he came to a little pond.
POND. (Less than enthusiastic.) That’s me. The Pond. My mother is so proud. Gee, what part did your kid get? Oh, my kid? Well, my kid is the Pond. A very important part. Yup. Very important.
NARRATOR. The Pond seemed to have a little self-esteem problem. But, even though the Pond was small, it was very important to the story. Remember, there aren’t any small ponds.
NARRATOR AND POND. Just small pond actors.
POND. Yeah, whatever.
NARRATOR, HARE, TORTOISE, GIRL. LOUNGE SINGER.
NARRATOR. I didn’t know how I got in the class. I didn’t even own tennis shoes. Mostly just boots and sandals. But I knew that I loved her more than a tin man loves his oil can. But not everyone loved her style.
TORTOISE. Um, excuse me, but could you slow down just a little?
HARE. Slow down?! Honey, if you want to slow down, go sit on Adobe Road and try to get on base when all the Marines are going to work in the morning.
TORTOISE. I just mean that maybe we should be more careful with our heart rates. We don’t want to raise them too quickly, do we?
NARRATOR. I agreed with Miss Tortoise, but my heart was already racing.
HARE. You there, in the overcoat! Stop drooling and start jumping! (Hare jumps over to the Narrator and smacks him on the rear.)
NARRATOR. (Happily.) Our aerobics class lasted five wonderful hours. I ached like a cat without a litter box. But I had to talk to her … Excuse me, Miss Hare?
HARE. Talk fast. I have another class in ten minutes.
NARRATOR. Miss Hare, I, um, didn’t understand that one move you did? The heal, kick up, something, something, something?
HARE. (Demonstrating quickly.) Heel, toe, up, side, together side?
NARRATOR. Yeah, that’s the one! Could you maybe show it to me? In private?
HARE. Can’t. Got another class. Maybe next time. Ta ta! (She exits.)
NARRATOR. I … I’m crushed like a penny on a railroad track.
TORTOISE. (Crossing to him.) What’s wrong?
NARRATOR. I’m crushed like a penny on a railroad track, like a bird with no depth perception, like a –
TORTOISE. Like an egg under a cement a truck? Narrator and tortoise turn to one another and share a love struck look. Lounge Singer enters singing into his thumb and stepping between the two.)
LOUNGE SINGER. The Love Boat … La la la la la la la la laaaa. The Love Boat … I don’t know the rest of the words to this song … (Lounge Singer makes a cheesy shooting gesture to the audience and backs offstage trying not to look like an idiot, but failing miserable.)
REPORTER 1, REPORTER 2, MOUSE, LION, BUTCHER, GIRL
REPORTER 1. (Briskly enters with Reporter 2.) Did you hear? Oh, my, my, my, my, my! They say he put up a tremendous struggle!
REPORTER 2. You don’t say? Well, I heard that he has to have fourteen hundred nets just to keep him still! They say that he’s going to be roasted in a celebration that will feed the whole city!
REPORTER 1. Roasted!?!
REPORTER 1 AND 2. Yummy, yummy, yum! (Reporters exit.)
MOUSE. And at first I didn’t know what they were talking about, until I heard it. It was terrible. The saddest, most heartbreaking sound I’d ever heard. (Butcher enters pulling Lion in a wagon. Lion sit sadly wrapped in netting.)
LION. (Roars a great, sad roar.) Roaarrrrrrrrrrr!
BUTCHER. (Stops to sharpen big carving knife.) You, Lion, be kviet! Or I cut you up into little pieces! Vell, I vill cut you up into little pieces anyvay! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha… (Exits laughing.)
MOUSE. And there he was, the Great Lion! My Great Lion! The Lion that thought I was so original. The Lion that spared my life when he could have crunched me like a potato chip! So, I made up my mind! I was going to free that Lion, even if it cost me my life. I started chewing on the netting, and chewing, and chewing, and chewing. My gums got sore, my teeth bled, my tongue got rope burn. But I kept chewing! And finally, I chewed a hole just big enough for the Great Lion. (To Lion) Run, run, run! (Girl enters singing and skipping across the stage and bumps into Lion. She stares in shock at Lion, screams in terror, and exits. Butcher and Reporters are heard offstage.)
MOUSE. RUN!
FOX, GRAPES, NUMBER BEARER, MISS TORTOISE
GRAPES. Oh. Now, you’re going to have to jump just a little to reach my stem.
FOX. No problem, Sweet grape! (Aside.) Prepare to meet your maker
GRAPES. What?
FOX. I said prepare to fleet our taker. It’s just something we foxes say. Here I come! (FOX charges toward grapes, leaps awkwardly and misses. Number Bearer enters and displays a sign awarding the leap a score of 9.5. FOX growls at Number Bearer, who then scurries away.)
GRAPES. 9.5 – Not bad. This time keep you hind leg bent just a bit more.
FOX. Like this? (Bending leg.)
GRAPES. Perfect. (FOX leaps again, this time a little more awkwardly. He again misses GRAPES. Number Bearer enters and displays a score of 7.2. FOX growls and chases Number Bearer away.)
GRAPES. No, no, no. Your form is all wrong. Think like a bird. Use your arms to float you.
FOX. My arms?
GRAPES. To float.
FOX. To float.
GRAPES. Think like a bird. You know, soar.
FOX. (Aside.) That’s what you’re going to be after I take a bite out of you.
GRAPES. Could you speak up a little?
FOX. I said I’d gladly soar for you, Sweet Grapes! Let me try again.
GRAPES. Remember, bend your leg. Lift your arms. Soar like a dove. (FOX takes a running leap, flies awkwardly, and crashes into Tortoise, who slowly crosses the stage.) Hmm. That looked more like a frog than a dove. (Tortoise calmly gets up, dusts herself off and hands FOX a slip of paper.)
The Miller, His Son, and the Donkey
NARRATOR, MILLER, SON, DONKEY, BUTCHER , GIRL 1, GIRL 2, GRUMPY OLD GUY, WOMAN 1, WOMAN 2, ACTIVIST 1, ACTIVIST 2, HARE.
SON. (Begins to cry.) Daaaaddd!
NARRATOR. So, the Miller decided to ride and the Son should walk. (MILLER pulls Son off Donkey and gets on Donkey. donkey brays loudly.)
SON. (Upset at having to walk.) Daaaaadd!
NARRATOR. Yeah, yeah. We hear your pain. So they continued on their way to the village, and the Grumpy Old Guy decided to tag along, which would have been okay, except that the Grumpy Old Guy liked to sing
.
GRUMPY OLD GUY. (Singing.) Doo bee doo bee dooo …
SON. (Covering his ears.) Daaaaddd!
NARRATOR. And soon they passed a group of women out chatting.
WOMAN 1. Did you hear? My uncle’s half brother on my mother’s side twice removed is going to marry my second cousin’s niece’s daughter on my gather’s side! Oy!
WOMAN 2. Well, would you look at that! A perfectly healthy adult riding a donkey while that poor child has to walk. You, boy, come here! You poor thing! (Woman hugs Son, against his will.)
SON. (Alarmed.) DAAAADD!
WOMAN 1. See this boy? He’s miserable! That’s child abuse, don’t you know, that’s just what it is! Child abuse! I’m calling the Division of Family Services! They’ll put you in jail, Mister, for making that poor, abused boy walk while you ride high and mighty on your mule!
DONKEY. Donkey!
WOMAN 1 AND 2. Who asked you?
NARRATOR, MAID, CHICKEN 1, CHICKEN 2, BUTCHER, MISS TORTOISE, GIRL, NARRATOR 2
MAID. Come on, Chickies! Lay those eggs! Come on!
CHICKEN 1. Easy for you to say! Balk, balk, balk.
CHICKEN 2. Come on, little Chickies! You can do it!
NARRATOR. And then the chickens laid two perfect little eggs. The young woman picked up the eggs and began to dream of the future.
CHICKEN 1. Did you see that? Not even a thank you!
MAID. Just think. If these two chickens laid twenty more eggs, (Chickens balk.) or fifty eggs, (Chickens balk louder.) Or one hundred eggs … (Chickens balk manaically.) Gosh! And if those hundred eggs hatch, and then those hundred eggs lay twenty more eggs … (Chickens continue to balk.)
CHICKEN 1. No room! No room!
MAID. Or if those hundred chickens lay fifty eggs-
CHICKEN 2. No more! No more!
MAID. Or if those hundred chickens lay another hundred eggs and then all two hundred chickens lay another two hundred eggs … (Chickens flap around in a circle, extremely upset.) Gosh, what would I do with all those chickens?
BUTCHER. I know vhat to do vith chickens! (Chickens run to Maid and hide behind her, squawking loudly.)
MAID. NOOOOOOOO!!! Go away, you, you, cutter upper! My chickens are not for you!
