.Cold Read 1 – MAIA, VICKI, CUSTOMER 1, CUSTOMER 2, DARIN, MIGUEL
Setting: The Wal-Mart store. It’s mid-morning. Vicki is pricing boxes of underwear.
Maia approaches.
Maia: (sarcastically) Hey, thanks for sticking up for me, Mom.
Vicki: I’m sorry, honey. You know I have to stay on Pearson’s good side.
Maia: Mom, I don’t care about the demerit. But I hate seeing you suck up to him.
Vicki: He said he wants to meet with me. I think this is it; he’s going to promote me.
Maia: Mom, they’re meeting with everyone these days, trying to look like they care. Don’t
get your hopes up.
Vicki: I’ve been working my butt off for five years. I deserve that promotion.
Maia: I hope you get it. We could get a real apartment. (pauses) Hey, why don’t you invite
Miguel to the open mic tonight?
Vicki: Are you kidding me?
Maia: No, why not?
Vicki: Maia, no way.
Customer 1: Hey, I need some help here.
Maia: Yeah?
Customer 1: This flyer says Ammo Sale.
Maia: Aisle 21.
Customer 1: They sent me here.
Maia: (sarcastically) Yeah, we have lots of bullets in lingerie.
Vicki: Maia!
Darin: (Jumping in) How may I help you?
Customer 2: Thank goodness we’re finally getting some service. Aren’t customers supposed
to come first?
Darin: You certainly do. Now, what can we help you with today?
Customer 1: We need 18 boxes of ammo, two years of toilet paper and Spam.
Customer 2: And don’t forget the duct tape, honey.
Customers 1 & 2: We’re gettin’ ready for the rapture.
Darin: Good for you! I’ll get you all set up. Maia, can you give me a hand here?
Miguel: Hey, Vicki.
Vicki: Hi.
Miguel: Was Pearson giving Maia a hard time?
Vicki: He’s just doing his job.
Miguel: Vicki, I’m having a few people over for a get-together at my place. We can get away
from Big Brother and talk about how things are going for us here.
Vicki: I might be management soon. Pearson wants to meet with me.
Miguel: He’s stringing you along, Vicki. You’ve worked here for more than five years and
you’re still hour hourly. You live in a motel.
Vicki: Am I supposed to throw away all the years I’ve invested here? If you’re thinking of
starting a unio…… o……
Miguel: (Suddenly panicked) Shhh!
Vicki: You’re crazy! Wal-Mart will never allow a (whispers) union in here. And that’s fine —I
don’t need anyone speaking for me and charging me dues. This company has an
“open door” policy. I can call their toll-free number and….
Maia: Oh, you mean 1-800-YOU’RE FIRED?
Vicki: That’s not funny.
Miguel: They canned Stacie a week after she called it.
Maia: Count me in, Miguel.
Vicki: Maia, we are not getting involved in this. This is a big chance for me. I’m not going to
throw it away.
Cold Read 2 – PEARSON, VICKI, WAITRESS
SETTING: Hooters Bar and Grill. Pearson is chatting with a waitress.
Pearson: I’m in charge of a lot of people over there. Top manager. You should stop by. I’ll
show you around.
Waitress: Oh, would you? I’d love to. All that merchandise.
Vicki enters.
Pearson: Oh, here she is. Right on time. Hello, Vicki. (To the WAITRESS) So, I’ll have my
usual, sweetie.
Waitress: A plate of wings, French fries, Coors light. And my phone number.
Pearson: Heh heh. You stay away from me. You know I’m married.
Waitress: Darn.
Vicki: I’ll just have a coke, please.
Pearson: Aw, get her a beer.
Waitress: Coming right up, honey.
Waitress leaves.
Pearson: Vicki, you’re doing a bang-up job. Sales in your department are booming. You
should be really proud.
Vicki: I am. I think I’m ready for more responsibility.
Pearson: I hear you, Vicki. In fact, I probably shouldn’t ruin the surprise, but we’re going to
announce at tomorrow’s morning meeting that I’m making you… “Associate of the
Month” again!
Vicki: (looks at him uncomprehendingly) Um, thanks. That’s…. …. great.
Pearson: Congratulations, Vicki. You and your daughter can use your Hooters gift certificate to have a night on the town.
Vicki: (Crestfallen) Is that all you wanted to say, Mr. Pearson?
Pearson: (Smugly) No it isn’t. Vicki, I’m about to change your life.
Vicki: (Excitedly) Oh, Mr. Pearson. I will work so hard as assistant manager. You won’t
regret this…. ….
Pearson: Whoa, hold on there, Vicki. You’re not the only one who’s been busting his butt in the
store.
Vicki: What do you mean?
Waitress enters with drinks. Pearson ogles her.
Pearson: Darin. He’s a star, Vicki, a real company man. Not afraid to go the extra mile.
He’s off to manager training next week.
Vicki: (swallowing rage) Mr. Pearson, he’s been there less than a year! I trained him!
Pearson: For him, Wal-Mart always comes first, Vicki. And now he’s going to have a family to
feed.
Vicki: I have a daughter to feed.
Pearson: (Dismissively) We’ll keep that in mind.
Vicki: (Anger beginning to bubble, but not burst) You’ll keep that in mind? Why that’s very
kind of you, Mr. Pearson. Now if you’ll excuse me…I …I…. …. (She starts to leave.)
Pearson: (Excited) Hold on Vicki, I haven’t gotten to the good part yet. Haven’t I heard you and
your daughter have some talent in the singing department?
Vicki: (Defensively) How did you hear that?
Pearson: (With superiority) It’s a Wal-Mart manager’s job to know everything about his
employees. Listen, Vicki, this is a great opportunity. Wal-Mart is creating a musical
event—to be performed at headquarters—to raise the profile of women in the
company. It’s the perfect chance for you and Maisha to share your talent with the Wal
-Mart family.
Vicki: Maia and I aren’t really looking for that kind of …
Pearson: Vicki, where’s that Wal-Mart spirit?
Vicki: (False enthusiasm) Whoo hoo, we’re going to Bentonville.
Pearson: That’s right. Bentonville, Arkansas
.
Vicki: (Trying to see the positive) I always knew we’d get our big break.
Pearson: You get to meet the board of directors.
Waitress: (entering with food) Here you go go, Timmy. Nice and hot.
Pearson: Thanks, Babe. See, Vicki, you’ve got real potential. All’s you need is to doll your
yourself up a little. Look at these Hooters girls. They really know how to use their…
…assets. That’s my advice to you, if you want to keep the success train rolling.
Vicki: (coldly) Great, see you tomorrow
Cold Read 3 – SMILEY, DR NORMAL, PHIL, BOB, MARK, JAMIE, EUGENE, SAM
SETTING: Wal-Mart HQ, Bentonville. Wal-Mart’s board of directors are about to meet. Smiley and Dr. Normal enters.
Dr. Normal: It’s hard to believe, but I think your sparkly pageant is going to effectively
neutralize the vast feminist conspiracy. Well done done, Smiley.
Smiley: Everyone loves the ladies.
Dr. Normal: They were surprisingly attractive. Who knew the sex appeal that lurked
beneath those boxy vests? You’ve harnessed the power of musical theater—the
same way I’ve yoked the space-time continuum with my device.
Smiley: I can’t wait to share your innovation with the board.
Dr. Normal: Hold onto your hat, Smiley. (runs off and comes back wheeling Sam Walton’s head
covered with a cloth.) The time has come.
Smiley: (reaching for the cloth) Well, well…what do we have here?
Dr. Normal: (holding him back) No……wait. Don’t touch it yet.
Smiley: Why not not?
Dr. Normal: It’s better…if we wait.
Smiley: I imagine it’s rather shocking. Perhaps I should brief them before we unveil, Dr.
Normal.
Dr. Normal: Absolutely.
Execs enter.
Execs: Mornin’ Mr. Smiley.
Smiley: Gentlemen… our director of research, Dr. Normal, asked to have an audience with
the board and I think you’ll see why this is classified information on—for your eyes
and ears only. Wal-Mart has always be been a visionary company and Dr. Normal
has been working on something we be believe will ensure our long-term success.
Dr. Normal: Gentlemen, you are about to witness a phenomenon never before…witnessed. It’s
the culmination of years of ….
Walton’s Head: (from under a cloth) Take the gol-darn cloth off!
Shocked murmurs from execs.
Walton: (Yelling) Let me out out. Whooooooooooooooo hooooooooooooooo Pig. Sooeey!
Whooooooooooooo hooooooooooooo Pig Soooeey. GO RAZORBACKS!
Dr. Normal removes the cloth revealing Sam Walton’s head. All gasp..
Dr. Normal: Gentlemen, meet…Sam Walton, founder of Wal-Mart.
Phil: How can it be?
Bob: Is he alive?
Mark: What the …?
Walton: Howdy, friends. Did’ya know I got my start runnin’ a five and dime right here in
Arkansas? We sold ladies’ panties four for a dollar in those days.
Smiley: They know all that, sir.
Walton: Tarnation, I’ve been dead for 17 years. I’m just checkin’ .
Eugene: This can’t be happening.
Bob: And where is his body?
Walton: Yeah, where’s my cotton-pickin’ body, Dr. Normal?
Dr. Normal: Well, my device still has some glitches. But the reason you are speaking to a real,
live Mr. Sam Walton is…. …. time travel! (gasps from board). I have created a portal
that can deliver a human being from this moment into any Wal-Mart—past or future.
Think about it, gentlemen. No more guesswork. Talk about market research.
Eugene: Aren’t you taking things a bit far?
Smiley: Not at all. Dr Normal and I felt this would be a fitting demonstration of the power of the
new portal. Mr. Walton has symbolic value. He’s the embodiment of the aspirations of
our target demographic…
Walton: Scooter, if I still had legs I’d kick you in the head for talking like that. We speak
American at Wal-Mart.
Mark: (approaching nervously) We’re glad you’re here, sir. We need some guidance.
People think we’ve lost our moral compass, that we’re soulless.
Smiley: You were always good at coming off like you had a soul, Sam. Maybe you can help
us.
Walton: I ever tell you fellas about the time I did the Hula in a grass skirt on Wall Street?
Jamie: It’s legendary, sir.
Walton: If you’ve got public relations problems, how’s about a Moon Pie eatin’ contest? Or,
hey, let’s dress up like women and stage a mock protest against ourselves.
Jamie: Sir, you’ve been gone a while. We’ve moved beyond many of those more primitive
strategies.
Walton: (irritated) Okay, Mr. High Fallutin. I guess my pranks aren’t good enough for you.
Smiley: We have an excellent PR firm, sir. We’re spending $10 million a year on a very
sophisticated operation.
Walton: $10 million dollars! What happened to my “Buy American” campaign? Those stickers
only cost a couple bucks.
(Uncomfortable murmur, execs looking at each other.)
Mark: Most everything’s made in China, Sir.
Walton: But people still think of our merchandise as American, right? People love Wal-Mart.
Why? (Execs all react) We’re fun, the kind of guys you’d want to drink a beer with,
hunt quail. (music starts) I drove a ratty old pickup truck my whole life. Now that’s
public relations!, and it didn’t cost $10 million dollars.
WALTON MONOLOGUE
Walton: Mornin’, folks. Uncle Sam, here. I wanted to chat with you about something. Are you
happy with your knees? Do they ache? Are they unsteady? Well, darnit, you don’t
have to settle for it anymore. Replacement knees are inexpensive and we have them
in a variety of styles and colors. You deserve to have a young person’s knees. We
have these and a vast selection of other organs, fresh from China. Do me a favor:
Ask about it today, will you? Thank you kindly. (Darkens) And remember: The
enemies of Wal-Mart have spies everywhere. We all know where they come from:
Vermont!. (Brighten again) So, be careful. Don’t trust anybody.. And report any
suspicious activity. And, as always, the best way to defeat the enemy is just keep
shoppin’!
Cold Read 4 – SMILEY, ZEB, VICKI, MAIA, LAWRENCE, ALAN, DAPHNE, OTIS, SAM
Setting: The public square. The pageant is in progress. Smiley is finishing his speech.
Smiley: We have come to a time in history when we must decide who is standing on the
right…place. Our wave of democracy is unparalleled…and freedom will triumph by
the sword. (clears his throat) Wal-Mart will defeat the axis of … evil-doers. Justice will
be served…to Vermont on…on …a silver platter. (Lawrence motions for him to wrap
it up.) And now we return to the exciting conclusion of “The Liberation of Vermont”
after these messages.
Zeb and Vicki arrive on the set. They see each other for the first time since they parted ways. Zeb is costumed; Vicki is not.
Walton: (v/o): Howdy folks, Uncle Sam here. Can we talk about hemorrhoids for a moment?
(Commercial fade down over dialogue.)
Zeb: Hey, Vick. I’m sorry about before. I was a little…I … don’t...I didn’ mean to...
Vicki: It’s okay. So, you’re back in…mean you’re not going to…
Zeb: No, I couldn’t do that to Maia.
Vicki: Where is she? Have you seen her.
Zeb: There she is.
He points to Maia, who is already costumed as a terrorist. Maia is hiding a satchel.
Maia: Mom!
Vicki: Oh Maia! Are you all right?
Maia: I was so scared, Mom.
They hug. Lawrence enters.
Lawrence: Ms. Latrell. Do you expect us to hold the broadcast while you slowly make your way
into costume?
Vicki: Sorry, Mr. Peterson.
Maia: I’m fine, Mom. Go get your costume on, or you’ll miss our entrance. (Vicki hesitates)
Mom, go! (Vicki steps backstage to get her costume on.)
Zeb: You got my message?
Maia: Yeah.
Zeb: You have the secret weapon?
Maia: Yeah, how’d you work that magic on the guard?
Zeb: “Phantom of the Mart” fan.
Maia: No way, mom still doesn’t know?
Zeb: No, it’s better this way. Okay, come on put it here.
Lawrence: (v/o): Okay, we’re live in 5, 4, 3…
“The Liberation of Vermont” is in progress. Daphne is standing with Alan.
Alan: (points into the distance) So, you see here, instead of this festering swamp, which
breeds vermin and disease, we’ll fill it all in, nice and smooth…with good old
American asphalt. Up there, instead of that useless mountain, we’ll build the most
efficient distribution center this backwater’s ever seen.
Daphne: They’ll love it.
Alan: Oh, yes, they will. They’ll welcome us with open arms. See, here comes one of the
little fellas now.
Otis shuffles on quickly.
Otis: Thank God you’ve come. The sun of freedom can rise again in our proud land.
Please, accept some maple syrup.
Alan: (patting Otis on the head) I’m just doing my job. I can’t rest while one man is not free.
It’s just who I am, what I stand for. (to Daphne) Honey, you’re not safe here. The
enemies of freedom are waiting in ambush, and I must face them.
Daphne: One more kiss! (They kiss.) I’m not worried, Darling. You’ll take my love with you,
along with the fine weapon in its class.
Alan: You’ve got that right. (muzak starts) It’s a C-32 triple-action carbine with laser sight,
on sale at Wal-Mart for just $359.99. Ammo not included.
Daphne: Oooh… Alan.
Otis: Look out! Anti-Wal-Mart insurgents!
Alan: Get down! (He remains standing.)
Terrorists enter. Vicki point a gun at Alan.
Vicki: Prepare to die, capitalist scum!
Maia and Zeb put down their weapons. Vicki gestures for them to pick them up.
Zeb and Maia: Welcome to Vermont! (they reveal Vermont flannels)
Smiley: (from side) What the he….??? Lawrence! Lawrence!
Alan: You…you’re…you’re freedom - hating terrorists!
Maia: No we’re not.
Vicki: Yes we are!
Alan: (He looks helplessly at Daphne, who prompt him.) Well… why won’t you
bad…terrorist people let Wal-Mart into Vermont?
Zeb: Have you seen Vermont? It’s filled with old towns, with homes and farms and
churches tucked away in little valleys, and creeks with waterfalls. I can’t think of
anything worse in that environment than a gargantuan, beige metal box.
Otis: You know, you people have a point. Maybe they don’t need Wal-Mart.
Daphne: Be quiet! We’ve heard enough of your terrorist lies! Go ahead and shoot ‘em, honey.
Alan: Good idea! (machine gun sounds)
Maia: Your bullets cannot penetrate our force-field of love!
Alan: Oh, come on!
Smiley: (marches onto the set) Thank you very much for that interesting presentation. Let’s
give ’em a hand.
Maia: Keep the cameras rolling!
Vicki: Maia, stop it. You’re going too far!
Smiley: And how about a word from our beloved Uncle Sam?
Maia: Good idea.
She reveals the head in the satchel.
Maia: No one move or the head gets it! (crowd gasps) Go ahead, Mom.
Walton: Sweet Jehosaphat! What the heck is goin’ on? Scooter!
Smiley: Mr. Sam!
Vicki: Maia, get away from him!
Maia: Mom, it’s okay! (to Smiley) My mother has something to say.
Walton: Hey, Scooter, let’s hear ‘em out. (laughs nervously)
Smiley signal cameras to be begin.
Vicki: Maia, they’ll send you to the front!
Maia: I don’t care. Let them try. Remember how you gave the board a piece of your mind?
How you told Lawrence off? Do that again.
Zeb: Go!
Vicki: (moves into the center of the stage, tentative at first. She looks at Maia) They told
me they’d send you away if I spoke my mind. (to audience) But I know a lot of you are
in the same position. We live in fear because Wal-Mart controls us. They’re lying
about a lot of stuff. One of those things is Vermont. Vermonters aren’t terrorists;
they’re just trying to live their lives—without Wal-Mart.
Smiley: Nonsense. You people don’t know what you’re talking about.
Vicki: (forcefully) Yes, we do. We matter, Mr. Smiley. We have dreams. (approaches
Walton) Mr. Walton, look what happened to this world. Is this what you had in mind?
Wal-Mart squeezed out everything that was good and creative and replaced it with
plastic crap.
Maia: Right on, Mom!
Zeb: (to audience) Right now, in Vermont they’re growing their own food, generating their
own power. Instead of watching TV, people put on their own shows.
Daphne: Untrained people?
Zeb: Yes!
Vicki: We won’t let you take over the one place left where people can live out their dreams.
Everyone has dreams. How about you, Alan? Haven’t you ever had a crazy dream?
Alan: I don’t know what you’re talking about! What if you’re just trying to make a living and
stay out of trouble?
Maia: But you’ve got to have a dream.
Alan: No. I just don’t have any dreams anymore. I’ve forgotten them.
Vicki: Try to think of just one.
